Charlie Weis in his post
game press conference boldly predicted that Notre Dame would end its
streak of losing bowl games this season. In a speech reminiscent of
Joey Porter or Javorskie Lane guaranteeing victories, Charlie Weis said
that losing bowl games was not acceptable and said "The buck stop
here," pointing at himself.
When reporters questioned Weis whether a buck was referring to venison
or some type of food, Weis surprisingly said it did not and said he was
not pointing at his stomach.
Another reporter, who thought Weis was pointing at his wallet, thought
he was referring to the insane contract that Notre Dame gave Weis.
After the confusion was cleared up, Weis reiterated his lofty guarantee.
Notre Dame Sublets Season to Baylor Bears
Notre Dame was supposed
to play USC today, but the Tarnished Domers pulled a fast, getting a
superior team to play in their stead. While the strategy of getting a
superior team to play for you is sound, it did not work. USCdestroyed Notre Dame at Waco in South Bend 38-0.
Others have criticized Notre Dame's decision on ethical grounds, saying
their desire to be someone besides Notre Dame, while understandable, is
fraudulent. Charlie Weis put down his video camera to respond: "It is a
question of tradition. Notre Dame has a proud tradition of changing.
We've changed our name to the Fighting Irish from the Terriers. There
is no reason not to change to Baylor. Even though most of our fans
claim three dozen championships, nobody was alive to remember any of
them."
The New Notre Dame team playing Texas.
Boston College: the Mother Superior of
Catholic Schools
Boston College continued its dominance as the best Catholic university
playing BCS division football.
Notre
Dame hasn't beaten Boston College in seven years, and Boston College
has the superior record over the past decade. Boston College has
actually won a bowl game during that time as well.
BC
won easily despite the home-cooking, which penalized BC
disproportionately. Boston College remains perfect at 7-0. Notre Dame
is a perfect 0-3 at home.
Boston
College's domination was recognized by His Holiness, Pope Benedictus
XVI in a message to Boston College:
"Boston Contraho est melior quam Notre Dame.
Notre Dame ledo mihi."
Bud Light: Real Men of Genius - Hopeless ND
fan
Eat One For the Gipper
The body of Gipper the Pig, a prize winning sow, was exhumed from an
Indiana pet cemetery on Oct. 4, to follow up on a claim by Charlie Weis
that they may be the owner of the pig. A sample of baby back ribs was
taken, and Gipper was reburied on the same day.
A blue-ribbon sow for the Holts family, Gipper was slaughtered in 2007.
The sow was then slowly pit-smoked in the ground, or "buried in the
cemetery" as locals describe it. Charlie Weis, who authorized the
exhumation said Thursday in a statement, "The eating of the body of the
Gipper is of personal and private interest to our family and plumber.
Please respect our wishes to keep this matter private."
Booster
Admits to Steering Recruits to Irish
"Kuechenberg helped steer a pair of highly touted offensive line
recruits to Notre Dame from St. Thomas Aquinas High School near his
home in Florida and never received so much as a thank you from Weis.
"“I was very proud of my little role in influencing
that,”
Kuechenberg said. “You would think, it’s not like
my name
is Jack Jones. It’s not like he hasn’t heard of me.
I spent
15 years in the big leagues. My feelings were hurt on that, and then
all this now. He’s getting what he has earned.” Boston
Globe Story
Notre Dame Rises to #3 in the Polls
After
the impressive win
against UCLA and with many ranked teams getting upset on Saturday,
Notre Dame skyrocketed to #3 in the polls. This caused much
controversy. Irish fans were upset because they felt that ND should be
ranked higher, citing that polls should reflect recent history. As ND
student Ronald Gipp said, "Why aren't we ranked higher? Everyone who
talks about our early season is concentrating on the past. You can't
talk about the past. Notre Dame fans never talk about the past."
"Gutcheck Saturday" Dooms Bruins
ESPN's
description of this Saturday's games as Gutcheck Saturday destroyed any
hopes of a Bruin victory and the chances of a perfect season for Notre
Dame.
ESPN's marketing wing came up with the brilliant idea of labeling
today's games in order to come up with more viewers, but
NotreDameSucks.org has discovered suspicious activity suggesting this
was a convenient coincidence.
Once Gutcheck Saturday was announced, ND simply looked at the
massive gut on Charlie Weis and knew they were going to win. The years
of hard work, sacrifice of his body and persistence in eating developed
by Weis allowed his gut to also develop. And with that Notre Dame was
able to beat a UCLA team that missed their starting QB and was the
victim of several questionable calls.
It Ain't Basketball, But What the Hell
Purdue
beat Notre Dame 33-19 to prove in-state superiority of football.
Charlie Weis refused to allow reporters into the locker room, but
commented that: "We're 0-1, because we started a new season. Besides,
basketball has always been more important than football in Indiana. We
decided to allocate our practice time to practicing free throws. When I
was in the NFL, we could spend as much time practicing as we wanted. We
can't do that in college."
Notre Dame Continues Perfect Season
Notre
Dame took a 7-0
lead against Michigan State and never looked back in routing Sparty as
Notre Dame cruised to an easy 31-14 loss against Michigan State.
Notre Dame continued their offensive mastery as Heisman Trophy winner
to be Jimmy Clausen did not throw an interception, while his
counterpart Brian Hoyer threw one. This further shows the development
of quarterbacks that Charlie Weis is known for.
And while Ty Willingham had a blemished 3-1 mark at this point in his
third season, Weis has managed to keep a perfect 0-4 mark. Rumors have
been swirling around South Bend that Notre Dame is on the verge of
extending Weis' contract out until 2021.
Willingham to Blame for ND Denying Jones
Transfer
Kevin White, Notre Dame athletic director indicated that Charlie Weis
had nothing to do with denying Jones a transfer to Northern Illinois.
In fact, Weis has denied having anything to do with the Notre Dame
program since early August.
Notredamesucks.org is proud to break the story that Ty Willingham is
indeed to blame for Jones being lied to. Since discovering that Weis
had nothing to do with Notre Dame since August, the responsibility with
Notre Dame football obviously results with the true coach before Weis,
Ty Willingham. Did Willingham sign the papers releasing Jones from
Notre Dame? No.
Willingham needs to stop interfering with Notre Dame by becoming more
involved. And given his success at Washington, he should have the time
to spend on lesser programs like Notre Dame.
The Ghosts of Notre Dame Show Up
Being a proud program, Notre Dame is able to conjur ghosts of the past,
using their history to intimidate opponents. Today was another one of
those days.
Using renowned psychic Uri Geller, Notre Dame was able to literally
raise the dead in order to help them against Michigan. Geller, who was
unfamiliar with football raised the spirit of Notre Dame coach Gerry
Faust.
When confronted with the fact that Faust was not yet dead, Geller
argued that "You are not spiritual enough! Notre Dame's play was
reminiscient of 58-7, and I don't even know what that means!"
Notre Dame Continues to Roll At Michigan
Charlie
Weis showed his
genius once again by showing how brilliant his game plan was against
Penn State, which kept things much closer than this week.
Notre Dame showed itself to be too ambitious, attempting complex
offensive strategies with little chance of success. Yet Charlie Weis
would not be deterred, calling these intricate plays over and over,
with the expectation that Notre Dame should be able to execute these
incredibly difficult plays where other professional teams could not.
However, ND still had problems executing difficult plays like shotgun
snaps. It was obviously a problem with Ty Willingham's recruits.
Ty Willingham's recruits were too overmatched with Weis' brilliant
decision to install the fumblerooski offense. Where Weis' recruits
would eventually score 5 TDs, the careless recruiting of Willingham led
to 5 fumbles in the first half as Notre Dame lost another squeaker 38-0
to Michigan.
Notre Dame continues its streak towards perfection next week against
Michigan State. Will Notre Dame score an offensive touchdown this
season?
Charlie Weis Stops Stealing Signals
Weis
admitted yesterday
that Notre Dame had been stealing defensive signals, but had stopped
stealing signals this year in accordance with various local religious
customs.
Weis said "I don't think our offense will suffer from no longer
stealing signs."
Demetrius Jones Transfers to Northern Illinois
QB
Demetrius Jones
transfers to Northern Illinois. Apparently, Jones was unhappy with
Weis' hogging all the donuts at the Notre Dame breakfast trough. When
asked to comment, Weis simply responded by pointing to his mouth that
apparently was chewing food.
Jones is the second QB to transfer from ND this year. Apparently, young
recruits get upset when they discover Charlie Weis has been lying to
them. Evan Sharpley is expected to transfer in several weeks.
Not unsurprisingly, Jones was black, which leads to greater questions
about racism at Notre Dame.
Notre Dame Dominates Penn State
Notre
Dame grabbed three first half turnovers against an overmatched Penn
State this past weekend, and cruised to a 31-10 loss against the
Nittany Lions.
Led by outstanding freshman Jimmy Clausen, ND fought against a Nittany
Lion defense that football expert Pat Hayden knew was easier than
Georgia Tech. Hayden's expertise was proven true, as Notre Dame easily
matched their offensive output that they had against Georgia Tech that
they had against Penn State early in the game.
Notre Dame dominated other facets of the game as well. Inspired from a
pre-game talk by golfer Tiger Woods, the ND rushing attack shot an even
par, winding up with 0 yards rushing.
The Notre Dame rushing attack was not the only place where the Irish
dominated. Notre Dame's punting was superb, and was much better than
the Nittany Lion punting. The Notre Dame punting game averaged over 45
yards per punt.
The only question mark in this season with offensive genius Charlie
Weis was whether the defense would match up to the offense. In two
games, the defense has scored more points than the ND offense. It seems
as though the only question mark between Notre Dame and their NCAA
record 33rd national championship has been solved.
Notre Dame faces an overmatched Michigan next week.
Notre Dame
proves Weis an Offensive Genius
Notre Dame opened up the 2007 season with an
offensive explosion against those helpless heathens, Georgia Tech.
Notre Dame starting QB Demetrius Jones surpassed career highs in
completions and passing yardage today as Notre Dame lost in a close
game to Georgia Tech. Jones also played error-free ball, throwing no
interceptions.
ND also showed a deep stable of quarterbacks. ND went to Evan Sharpley
who was impressive, completing over 75% of his passes. Showing the same
commitment to playing error free ball that Charlie Weis emphasizes,
Sharpley threw zero interceptions.
Weis decided to let Georgia Tech get accustomed to playing the Notre
Dame offensive juggernaut before putting future Heisman winner Jimmy
Clausen into the fray. Clausen responded with perfection. He matched
Jones' performance in setting new career highs in completions and yards
passed, and tied his career high in TD passes. Like Sharpley, he
completed over 80% of his passes.
Notre Dame travels to Penn State next week.
NFL Ignores Weis, Again
The NFL showed what they thought of Charlie Weis' football knowledge by
drafting Brady Quinn #22 overall, well below where Charlie Weis had
been pushing for.
The whoring by Charlie Weis was responsible for Cleveland Browns fans
to begin "Don't Draft Brady Quinn" websites, because they feared Weis
would convince the Browns to draft him with the Browns first selection.
They should know that the only ones that need to fear Charlie Weis are
donuts.
Pope
Decommits From Notre Dame
Pope
Benedict decommited from Notre Dame before signing with Boston College,
further decimating Notre Dame's recruiting class.
Benedict, a placekicker, gained his experience playing soccer in
Germany. He was ranked as a 2 star recruit.
After hearing the news, Charlie Weis went to Krispy Kreme. Then, he
went to McDonald's. Then he commented to ESPN that he asked the Pope if
he knew what commitment was, after he did the same to Little.
Then Notre Dame lured several players away from other schools.
Notre Dame
victim of Gov't New Orleans Recovery Plan
Notre
Dame football
suffered another embarrassing defeat at the hands of a bowl opponent
yesterday. Ordinarily, this is the normal case of affairs, as Notre
Dame has a long history of ineptitude in bowl games.
However, the 2007 Sugar Bowl finds Notre Dame as the victim of forces
it could not control, even though Notre Dame is the only institution
that can control every situation. Notre Dame was the victim of a
conspiracy to ensure that Louisiana-based teams perform well in sports
in order to aid recovery from Hurricane Katrina.
The New Orleans Saints have seen a turnaround from being the worst team
in the NFL to being one of the top teams in the NFL. Now we have the
best college football team to ever play between the lines losing to a
team from Louisiana? This conspiracy is almost too obvious to think
that it is real. But it is, and Notre Dame's embarrassing loss is not
their fault.
It is not the fault of Charlie Weis idiotically calling a fake punt
inside his own territory. Obviously, the CIA was using some sort of
technology to interrupt communications between the coaching staff and
the players. It was not because Brady Quinn threw interception after
interception - it was because of optical technologies that were
employed to make purple and yellow look like blue and gold.
Let us hope that New Orleans will recover from Katrina, but what's good
for Notre Dame is good for America - just ask Notre Dame. And because
of this, these conspiracies must end.
Notre Dame
Continues to Set NCAA Football Records
Notre Dame, in a game that will surely see them propelled atop the BCS
standings, set a NCAA football record that surely won't be broken in
the near future.
Taking advantage of timely coaching strategies to fake a punt, Notre
Dame quickly got into the position they are so used to, by graciously
letting LSU take the lead.
They then countered a missed FG and several poorly executed plays by
LSU by throwing interceptions and getting blown away on the line of
scrimmage. After letting LSU take advantage of their porous secondary,
Notre Dame had all the ingredients for their record setting performance.
9 straight bowl losses indicates how great Notre Dame football is.
Recipe for
Notre Dame Cookies
Notre Dame Cookies are a culinary delicacy, first created with the
establishment of the college football Bowl Championship Series. The
Series, or BCS, established a framework which permitted the Notre Dame
Fighting Irish to be invited to participate in major bowl games despite
not having the record, nor the talent, to justify this participation. (more)
